No, that’s not a picture of me being sad. It’s a depiction of a much needed brain dump.
I meant to update my blog/journal entry a long time ago but I just kept putting it off over and over again, mostly due to life happening, as it does with everyone. Shit just gets really weird sometimes and it throws me for a loop. Kinda knocks me off my feet and I forget how to steady myself.
I am officially unemployed as I continue to heal from my bionic transformation that I had on Jan 17th. I am just going with the flow and just like my mom said, everything has fallen into place. Life feels good right now because there aren’t any immediate worries. I thought there were going to be but I literally surrendered and decided to trust the process. No idea what it would look or feel like but I did it. As I mentioned before in previous entries, this is the first time I’ve lived my life this way. My spiritual path is now my way of life and it feels right! I’ve had a very tumultuous relationship with religion and spirituality and I have come a loooooonnnnnngggggg way with it all. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be where I am now.
But I digress, life has been weird. I feel as though I haven’t had the opportunity to brain dump and I need to, I really do. I journal here and there, even when my intent is to be consistent, but I can never seem to get it, anything, out. I came up with a routine for it and was doing just fine and then all of a sudden it wasn’t fulfilling anymore, so then it became sporadic. So journaling is around, but not present.
For most, there is a confidant that can be counted on for venting. I am pretty damn blessed to have 2 in my life that I love so very much. But ya know what, I don’t ever vent to them. They are more than available whenever I need them just as I am for them. I just don’t ever find the desire to talk to anyone about what is in my head or what I’m experiencing. Talking it out has never been something I wanted to do, it’s just not in me. I went to a therapist once and hardly talked about anything because I felt as though I didn’t have anything to talk about, lol. I only went twice because it bothered me that someone I knew learned I was going to an appt in that building and they listed off all the businesses in there and deduced who I was going to see. I am a VERY private person and having folks in my business is not my jam. Yeah I may share some thangs on social media but all very well measured and accounted for.
Back to the weirdness of life…
I started to feel weird, different. Sadness and depression dropped in out of nowhere. All of a sudden I would cry at the mere thought of my daughter, I felt like I was failing her as a mother. I would cry so much in the shower, so very much. The pain in my heart was unbearable and I couldn’t understand why it was happening. It started a couple of days before my birthday. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my birthday gathering and I almost canceled the whole damn thing. But, I went with it and ended up enjoying my birthday tremendously!! At about 830pm it all started to happen again. The next day it was the same damn weird story. Sadness, depression, crying, guilt, tormented heart and then sneezing! That’s all I needed…to get a cold (praying it wasn’t covid) in the midst of all the chaos. My family noticed I was different. I tried so damn hard to disguise it when I was around my daughter, but it didn’t work. She noticed and talked to me about it. I felt really bad, guilty again. I didn’t see I was taking out my frustration on her. How could I do that to her?! On top of all of this, my restless leg syndrome was in full force. I’m not talking some disturbed slumber here and there. I’m talking about sleepless nights for days on end. I hadn’t slept in over 6 days and I felt like a damn sad zombie. Yeah, I know you’re picturing it, lol. On the final day, my mom asked me how I was doing, was I getting any better and maybe all of this has something to do with the medication I had stopped because my insurance was transitioning so I had to wait for an authorization. It had been about a week since I last had my meds. I did some researching and learned I was going through withdrawals!! Can you fucken believe it?!?! Every single thing I was experiencing from the sadness to the sneezing and the restless legs was all due to withdrawal. Ugh!!! Thankfully, I got my meds the next day and I felt better about 3 hours after taking it again. It was a world of difference. It never crossed my mind that I was experiencing this because I don’t feel addicted to the meds, at all. Not even a little. Matter of fact, it didn’t matter to me that I had run out. It was whatever. Little did I know it didn’t matter what I thought, my body had learned to function on those meds and I snatched it away. Yeah, that entire experience was weird to me.
Another weird thing that has happened is I stopped working on my business and YouTube channel. I was doing so well with featuring my siblings on my YouTube channel to talk about their paranormal experiences and their creative projects. My niece was next on the roster and I had to cancel. I have been extremely out of sorts and unable to even figure anything out and there was no way I would be able to get that going. I will reschedule once I get situated. I want to get back to going live on my channel with card pulls and mini readings, topics and conversation Spirit asks me to share and new/full moon conversations. I don’t like not being able to do those things. I don’t like having lost my drive to do the things I really enjoy doing. I know it will work itself out and I will be back up and running exactly as and when it’s time. Surrender and trust, remember?
Now I’m back to normal, very normal and I love it. The only thing that hasn’t bounced back is my spiritual development. Sigh, I gotta figure that out. That and the business and YouTube channel didn’t seem to have anything to do with the meds situation. I feel as though I am missing something…something that I’m supposed to be doing or learning and I can’t seem to figure it out. And I know that is the lesson, to figure out what I’m missing! I love working on my spiritual development, even when it’s full of shadow work, lol. What about you, how do you feel about your spiritual development?
So there you have it, all my weirdness in a vaguely detailed nutshell! As much as I put off updating my blog, I find that I love writing. Once I get started, I feel very much in my element. There is always so much I want to write and talk about but when it comes down to it, I can’t choose what it is I want to write about. Sigh, story of my life! Well, that’s all I have for you today.
To life and all its weirdness!
With Love and Divine Feminine Strength.
Yours Truly,
Anna R.
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