I was raised Catholic and but I realized at a later age, we didn’t really practice it to the fullest extent. It seems like everyone in the family (my parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) had their own interpretation of being Catholic. We went to church, participated in the sacraments, celebrated religious holidays but I noticed we didn’t quite live our lives accordingly. I won’t go into the details of what that consists of, but those who know, know.
The momentum of doubt and uncertainty about Catholicism grew bigger and bigger and it all pretty much exploded when I was about 18 or 19. I began to explore other religions and churches, and I knew my mom wasn’t too fond of it. I think she may have seen it all as a rebellious act. At first my new religious explorations seemed like they fit, looking back, I can see now the reason for that “fit” was because I was there with friends so it was fun for me. Then something happened that stung a little and kind of shifted my perspective. My friend and I were having a conversation with her parents about church and religion and such when he asked where my parents stood with it. I told him my family is Catholic and his response was “Oh, Catholics only have half the truth.” Yeah, I didn’t like that. Right when he said it, it literally stung from the inside out and felt like someone tapped my nervous system with a tuning fork. It sounded EXACTLY how Catholicism sounded…they’re the only ones that know and have the truth. After that, I pretty much renounced Catholicism and all religion and eventually chose to slap on the atheist sticker.
From that moment forward, my life was a series of angry choices in every aspect of my life. That was mainly due to the bullying I endured my entire childhood from family. That, coupled with religious disdain, made for very uninteresting and mean adulthood. I remember going to the Barnes & Noble with a friend to buy “The Satanic Bible” by Anton LeVey and it definitely wasn’t what I expected. For the most part, it talked about a lot of stuff I agreed with and felt strongly about…until it got the actual satan stuff, lol. There was one line in the book that stood out to me and I remember it to this day: Thrice cursed are the weak whose insecurity makes them vile, for they shall serve and suffer. Yup, I really liked that line, I resonated with it, at the time. That was really the only thing I took from that book, I soon naturally walked away from it.
My anger was still in full force when I got into my most recent relationship. My daughter was born and it was then that I decided I wanted to raise my daughter the same way I was raised…Catholic. Now wait, I know you’re thinking “didn’t this fine ass, amazing and magical goddess just type out a 500 word essay telling us she doesn’t jam with Catholicism?” And you are correct, I in fact did that! But wait, there’s more! I wanted my daughter to have a Catholic upbringing because I didn’t want her to not have the sacraments if she chose to be Catholic when she grew up. My partner agreed and so she went through the rites of passage up until confirmation, and at that point, it was a forced effort.
Let’s skip around a bit to about 2012. My relationship ended in a very toxic (toxicity was already a major ingredient in the relationship) manner. A traumatic experience that completely changed my life, my world. It was during that time (the mourning of my relationship) that I stumbled upon a metaphysical shop in town. My daughter and I had driven past it a few times and just decided to take a look inside. I walked into a world of crystals, smudging, tarot cards and full moon rituals. It was great! We both really felt like this was where we belonged. I started getting into all these different things, learning so many different things, experiencing so many different things and it was nice. It was during that process that I remembered my spiritual and intuitive gifts. As a child, I knew I could talk to the spirit world, and even though I didn’t know what it was at the time, I knew I was clairvoyant too. My third eye was opening up and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I was meeting new people that were the teachers I didn’t know I needed, I started getting tarot readings that provided a tremendous amount of insight and I started to see the world from a less angry perspective. As I went along the path, I was branching out and being introduced to more teachers. I began to evolve, I began to grow and I began to change. I learned forgiveness, self-love, self-care, how to strengthen my intuitive gifts and how to be a parent, because lord knows my parenting was absolute garbage up until that point, and I soon learned that it was all due to how angry I was. As I branched out, I met folks that were reconnecting me to my heritage, my culture, my ancestors. I had completely shifted from that metaphysical store I walked into some years prior, to hosting a Women’s Circle gathering, offering intuitive readings, understanding love in its entirety and being accountable for my choices. Before I knew it, I had altars: a general altar, one for Santa Muerte and one for my ancestors! And that is where I am now. I am here, living my life from a place of love, even on my worst day. Making choices that create the life I want, moving forward and working through all the messy puddles that I slip into.
I never imagined I would be who I am today. I never even knew it was possible to create and maintain happiness. I never thought I could let go of all the anger I carried for so long. What I do know is that had I never walked into that metaphysical store, none of the things I just mentioned would be possible, shit, had I never been Catholic for that matter! Spirituality allowed me the clarity, space and understanding to evolve, especially as a parent. Religion felt like shackles. It felt like a world of broken rules that were always justified. It felt like a school teacher slapping my hands with a ruler. It felt bad, literally. Ya know why folks say they’re living their best life? It’s because they are, we are. My highest and greatest good, that’s how I decide what I do in and with my life. One thing religion did do was teach me how to be grateful for my spirituality. The picture I chose for this blog entry is an EXACT representation of how religion and spirituality feel on me.
Mic drop.
To our true relationship with God, with Source.
With Love and Divine Feminine Strength. Yours Truly, Anna R.
