What an unsettling feeling. Hanging in the balance for what you have no control over. I’m currently on medical leave for a major spinal surgery I had mid January. It was rough, extremely rough and painful. It was supposed to be a 90 day medical leave after spending 5 days in the hospital, 10 days in a rehability facility and having 6 weeks of physical therapy when I finally came home. That turned into an additional 3 months, to which my job approved, seeing as how it was not what was originally indicated in my leave paperwork so it required approval. The remaining 15 days of my leave approached as I go in for my appt with my surgeon, looking forward to discussing whether I was going to be eased back into work as part time or straight into full time, but with restrictions. After our usual update, I start with my question regarding my return to work. I was quickly met with “I am taking you off work for the rest of the year, with a return date of 1 year from the date of surgery, which puts you back to work Jan 2021”. He wants me to allow for complete healing because the surgery was major and a lot is at stake when going through the healing process. I am still experiencing a tremendous amount of pain in my leg, which was the reason for having the surgery in the first place; severely pinched nerves in my leg causing major issues. In addition to my leg pain, everyday activities such as standing, sitting, bending, twisting, etc. are still a challenge and painful. And because of that, my surgeon wants me off work. I didn’t know how I felt about it, or feel. It’s a lot to take in and not certain if that is something I want. But because it’s for my health, I set aside the possibility of not wanting that and conceded and put my health first; it is by far the most important. The last thing I want is to fuck up my healing process and end up having to have the surgery all over again to fix whatever I messed up. But I digress, having this new info about my extended leave, my doc gave me some extra paperwork to submit to my job when letting them know about this new found information. I have been waiting a week for a response and in the meantime, I have prayed about it, trusting that whatever the response was, I knew I would be alright.
This is really something new for me, praying about a situation. In the past, I would most likely stress about it and practically drive myself crazy by creating horrible situations that don’t exist. The praying is more than just prayer for me, it means surrendering control and believing, without a doubt, that my entire divine spiritual support team (source, spirit guides, ancestors, angels, misterios, etc.) will always take care of and protect me. It has been a very long process for me as I embark on my spiritual journey. It has taken years of trial and error, and deconstructing old belief systems. So praying is a reflection of that journey, a journey and I am extremely proud of.
Let’s keep it moving…I prayed and prayed. Today I received the response. It isn’t what I wanted to hear and I do have to reach out to them for a bit of clarification. But at this moment I am thinking this…
I know my divine spiritual support team is ALWAYS looking out for me, I have zero doubts about that. So, in respect to the response, is option 1 my path or option 2? Aahhh!!! I always preach about guidance. Ask for guidance and you will absolutely get an answer, it’s just a matter of allowing yourself to receive the guidance. That’s the whole purpose of my spiritual business, it’s in the name…Goddess Guidance! And I know that is what I’m going to do, ask for the guidance and answer tonight and see what comes through. It doesn’t happen like on TV, grab a ouija board and see where the planchet takes you. I mean, it could happen that way, if that’s your jam, but it isn’t mine soooo no. It takes more than that. It takes time, focus, true surrender, trust and intention. At least that’s how it works for me. Sigh…ugh.
That wasn’t an ugh for the spiritual part, it was an ugh for the way I feel right now. I wish I could say “man oh man, I have a lot to think about!”, but I don’t. It’s pretty simple for me, it’s either option 1 or option 2, pretty straight forward. I have LOVED every single moment of being on leave, even when it was excruciatingly painful. The pain is still pretty bad, but in a different way. My pain meds are waaayyy up there on the “important and exclusive” list of pain meds, and they are barely even making a dent, so that sucks. I think I love being at home so much because I know it isn’t forever. Or is it, now? Hmph, who knows.
Anyway, that is my blurb for tonight. I can’t tell if I’m venting or reflecting. Maybe both? I’m not one for putting allll my business out there, but this is a test for me. Can I actually be transparent and authentic like I go on and on about when it comes to really personal stuff? Or will I bitch out and delete all of this after posting it? I suppose if you’re reading this after more than 2.5 seconds of being posted, I went ahead and walked the walk. This is nerrrrrve racking!!! Actually, it isn’t. My trust and surrender are there so I know I’m good. And that is literally my entire life.
To trust and surrender!
With Love and Divine Feminine Strength.
Yours Truly,
Anna R.
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